There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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