i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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