rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
