Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
