there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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