Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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