I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
