I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
