my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
