i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
