so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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