Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
