I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
