i think my tv is drunk
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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