I just saw a hot homeless man
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me