The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
