Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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