one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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