The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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