There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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