is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
