dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
