So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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