I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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