I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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