I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
