Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
