I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
