how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
