How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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