I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
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remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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