you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
