I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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