The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
