They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
