I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
