Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
