forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
