I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
