I cannot find my penis.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
