remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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