I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
