Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
