it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
