just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize