I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
