did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
