Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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