Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
