The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
