I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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