Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
