Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
no, he came in my armpit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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