dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
