she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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