sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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