I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
