I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
