remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need to align my fucking chakras
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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